The Stories

The Shit Story

What follows on this page is a version of the so called "shit story." The names of the participants have been changed in order to avoid embarassment for all those involved. If you are familiar with this story then you already know the participants. If not, then it's a funny story anyway. I assure you all that this story is completely true. Please enjoy.

One evening a young man, we'll call him Brian, was sitting in his basement waiting for his brother Matt to return from a trip to the video store. As he was waiting patiently the phone rang. On the other end was Matt's friend Barney. Barney had a problem.

A little background on Barney. He is one of the most intelligent people you could ever hope to meet, but he was a bit lacking in the area most of us would call common sense. For example, while exiting a car on the way to take the SAT test on which he scored 1500, he couldn't figure out how to open the car door and had to have someone else do it for him. Thus is the paradox known as Barney.

Back to the phone call. Brian knew Barney well, as Barney was regularly over at his house. They had developed a friendship of sorts, but Barney was primarily Matt's friend. Brian was surprised, therefore, when Barney asked to speak not to Matt, but to Matt and Brian's mother. She wasn't home. Their father was also not home. Matt was not home from the video store and thus Brian was alone in the house. Barney therefore posed his dillemma to his only available outlet, namely Brian.

Barney seemed concerned and Brian was willing to do all he could to help. The following is a rendering of the conversation that ensued:

"Hey Brian. I'm babysitting over here and I, ahhh..., went to the bathroom, and, well, it's too big and I don't think I can flush it."

Brian responded, a bit flummoxed by this particular problem, "I don't really know what to say Barney. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to help you."

"Ahh, Ok. Thanks Brian. I guess I'll call someone else."
"Ok, Barney. Matt will be home soon. Maybe he can help."
"Alright, bye."
"Bye."

This in itself can be considered one of the more interesting slices of life one can hope to cut, but this is only the beginning of the story. We take an odd twist when Matt returns home.

As you can probably guess, Matt eventually returned with the videos and Brian appraised him of Barney's situation. The facts of the story here are a little bit grainy. Brian contends that Matt did not believe Brian and thought that Brian was making a joke about Barney. Matt holds that he did believe Brian. This is irrelevant, however, as both of them considered the matter closed and put on the movie.

A few minutes into the movie the phone rang again and Matt answered. The conversation will be presented from Brian's point of view, on the couch, and thus able to hear only Matt.

"Hello"
"Hey, Barney, how are you doing?"
"Ok."
"Uhhh, really. Ahh, I don't know, Barney."
"I don't know."
"I don't know. Ahh, Barney, I have to go."

Thus Matt was introduced first hand to Barney's problem. A small conversation ensued as to the quirkiness of Barney, and the matter was dropped for the day.

The following day, Barney happened to be at Matt and Brian's house and the subject of Barney's toilet dilemma was still fresh on everyone's mind. Matt asked Barney, therefore, if he had reached a feasible resolution. Barney responded thusly:

"Yeah, well, I couldn't find anyone at home, so I ended up calling the people I was babysitting for and asking them what they thought. They weren't able to help me so I kept trying. My dad finally got home and gave me a suggestion."

[Sorry to interrupt, but this is one of the greatest quotes in the history of the world]

"What I ended up doing was wrapping my hand in toilet paper and, like the Karate Kid, I chopped it up and I was able to flush it."

So ends the Shit Story. It's impact on the world has been great. The humor of this tale has resonated through many a get together, and has left a lasting impression on all who have heard it. This is a humble attempt by a few of us who are closest to the story to spread the humor, the joy, and the love that can only be acheived by making fun of one of your closest friends. Thank you for reading.