The Stories

The Penguin Picture

This story is not as well known as the other stories up here, but it is just as funny. This is again written from the perspective of Jerry Gardner. This is more of a reflection than a story. A vignette, if you will. I think this is my favorite story.

Imagine, third grade, the girl you hate, the girl who gets up every day in class to show off something she did, the girl who makes others groan at the sight of her hand waving in the air, the girl named Linda.

She gets up today, not unlike any other day, to show a picture of something, I can't see what it is. Oh, it's penguins. No one is particularly interested; we have learned to habituate her voice by now. She's talking, saying something. I put my head down, everyone else is daydreaming.

"Look, I drew a picture of these penguins. Aren't they cute?"

"No," I say. At that moment I realize that everyone else has said "no" at the same time I did. The class has taken a moment out of their daydreams to spontaneously deride this average drawing by this hideous girl. One "no" would not have been special, but the entire class on the spur of the moment saying the exact same thing gave a resonance and a certain poignance to the moment that can never and will never be achieved again.

Linda was upset. Anyone watching, and at this point I was, would undoubtedly notice the exact moment her spirit was crushed. It was a completely unexpected reaction, and Linda was not equipped by the third grade to deal with such widespread rejection. The teacher, Ms. Werner, suppressed her urge to laugh and reassured Linda that we would indeed, "hang up [her] picture on the wall." Insufficient consolation for most, but the only redeeming factor in this scenario for Linda. It was clear she had lost. We had banded together and ousted the overflowing pride of this brat.

It was our moment of glory. It was, perhaps, the greatest moment in history.