The Stories

The Smashing Party
as told by Brian

On an evening of little substance over the summer, our friend (we'll call him Ed, although he knows who he is) invited us all to his house to hang out and drink a few beers. It seems Ed was having a friend from brandeis visit, and a girlfriend of his as well, and wanted to introduce his friends. When we arrived (circa. 9:00 pm) Ed, Jerry, Ed's friend (was it Ben? - we'll call him Ben) were sitting watching the end of a very exciting Mets/Yankees game (which the Mets won on a dramatic game winning single by Matt Franco, but I digress). After the game ended, we started drinking a few beers, Luke arrived, and we all continued to socialize.

On what was no more than our second or third beer, Ed's wack friend told me, Luke (who had only had one) and Jerry (who had NONE!) that we owed $8 each for the beer. We thought it was mad wack, but we paid it anyway. The mood was now a bit more downtrodden, as the night was shaping up to be quite wack. At around 11:00 (note the time) Ed disappeared with his lady friend. We figured they hadn't seen each other for a while, so maybe Ed was down for a quickie, but as time progressed, it became clear that Ed was not coming back downstairs. Chris arrived at 11:15 (Ben promptly asked him for $8, but that's an aside) and commented on the wackness of Ed going to bed without saying anything to the people in his house, so we were annoyed.

We decided to take Ed's wack friend to the grill (which is a diner in town), where we sat and hung out for about an hour (we saw the big vig, who is a person we don't see much) at which point Ed's wack friend decided he wanted to go to bed - he was staying with Ed. We drove back to Ed's (Luke, Chris, and myself - Jerry had gone home out of sheer boredom and annoyance) and dropped off his wack friend - it was now 1:00 am.

Feeling quite unhappy with the evening, we remembered that there were still about 45 beers left in Ed's fridge, and that we might as well drink them - to salvage the evening. Here was a problem, though, as anyone who knows the geography of Teaneck knows that Luke and Chris live about a 20 minute walk from me. If we went to their houses, I would have to stumble a long way home, and if we went to my house, they would have to stumble a long way home. Just at that moment, however, we realized a solution: you guessed it - Ed's house. He and Ben were asleep, but the house was open and there was a lot of beer - and best of all, Ed lives just in the middle of our three houses - no one would have to walk more than 10 minutes.

(I swear this story is going somewhere).

We entered Ed's house at about 1:15 and woke up his wack friend (sleeping in the basement). We indicated we wanted to drink, and asked if he wanted to join us - he said no, expecting usto take our cue and leave the house - no such luck. We went up to the kitchen, took some beers, and went to the backyard. We sat in Ed's yard, drinking beers, and making fun of him (and, somewhat inappropriately, his faith) for about an hour. We ragged on him for not hanging out (not realizing his bedroom window, right above us, was wide open). We made fun of him for abut 45 minutes, and went back inside at about 2:00. We woke up Ben again (we were drunk by now) and he still didn't want to hang out. So we made Elio's pizza - but I broke the toaster oven in the process so we had to use the microwave. At 2:20 - post-pizza, we decided a game was in order. Luke and Chris went downstairs, again waking up Ben, and returned with Memory (that cardgame where you have to find matches). We played drinking memory for about an hour (you drink 1 for each pair a person gets - if Chirs pulls his sixth match, I drink half a beer). At this point we were pretty sloppy, making a lot of noise, and knocking shit around in the kitchen - but Ed was conspicuously absent.

At 3:00 - 3:30, completely wasted, Luke goes home, and Chris and I decide to finish what's left of the beer sitting out front. There wasn't much left. We sat for about half an hour, drinking, making fun of Ed, and making faces on teh windshield of his car. At 4:00, we had had enough, so we capped off the evening by peeing on his car (in the shape of a smile, no less), and, deciding he had been punished enough for selling out on us, walked home.

That is, by far, the most fucked up I've been at someone's house without them. Ed's 11:00 p.m. wackness was significantly punished, and we turned a miserable evening into a memorable experience.