The Stories

The Oven Mitt of Death

This is another story about Barney. Yes, the same Barney from the Shit Story. Barney is quite a quirky fellow and this is just another good example of the types of things he gets himself into.

One day Barney decided that he was hungry and that he was going to eat, as humans are wont to do. Barney not being much of a chef decided that he would keep the operation on the simple side. Thus the skillet was placed on the stove and a couple of hot dogs were prepared for cooking. Even the laziest bachelor could manage hot dogs, but Barney apparently was not quite up to the task on this afternoon.

Barney turned on the stove, put the hot dogs in the skillet and was well on his way to a mid-afternoon snack when disaster struck. Ever conscious of his safety, Barney was using an oven mitt to handle the skillet during the cooking operation. One must wonder what help an oven mitt would be in such a situation. I would think a fork would be a good enough tool to turn and lift the hot dogs and any experienced chef could most likely fry up some hot dogs without the use of an oven mitt. The name alone implies that oven mitts are for use when removing things from the oven, and aren't really appropriate for related but dissimilar stove use. I guess this didn't occur to Barney, however.

So Barney, wielding his oven mitt with the care one takes with nuclear materials, set out to fry his hot dogs. But just then there was a snag in the plan. Somehow Barney placed the oven mitt to close to the open flame on the stove. The oven mitt took to the flame and was soon alight. Barney was suddenly holding a masterpiece of dancing flame akin to the aurora borealis in his hand. Some people deal with fire on a somewhat regular basis. Even for those of us who aren't firemen, a situation like this would be astonishing, but not altogether panic causing. Some of us might feel an initial sense of doom before our milder instincts kicked in. Most of us would have been able to deal with this situation. Barney could not.

Take a moment here to think of all the ways one could resolve the sudden dilemma Barney faced. You're cooking when all of a sudden you realize that an oven mitt that is presently on your hand has caught on fire. Outside of context, a clear thinker would probably suggest sliding the oven mitt off of the hand into the sink, where the fire could be doused. One might, under duress, not be thinking too clearly and take a different approach. Perhaps sticking the entire arm into the sink and dousing the flame. Perhaps dropping the glove onto the floor and stamping out the fire would come to mind. If one were especially panicked, and couldn't put his thoughts together coherently, he might then pound his hand into the counter in an attempt to put out the flames. All of these actions would probably work with a similar effectiveness. That is, through any of these methods, the fire would most likely be put out with little or no injury to the wearer of the oven mitt. Unfortunately, Barney did not opt for any of these solutions.

Instead, Barney chose to stare at his hand for a moment. After a few seconds of realization Barney decided that the best course of action would be to flail his arm about, thus fanning the flames on the oven mitt and creating an even larger fire. At the site of the ever growing fire on his arm, Barney did not react well. He began running around his house yelling, arm still flailing about.

At this point Barney was not thinking too clearly. It did not occur to him to remove the oven mitt from his hand, but it did occur to him that the ever growing fire might burn out of control and spread to other areas of his house. Barney decided, therefore, that the best thing to do with this blazing inferno on his hand was to run outside, thus saving his house from the fire.

Barney burst into the quiet suburban day like a bat out of hell. He even had the fire trailing behind him. He ran around his lawn, still flailing wildly, having saved his house from burning, but keeping himself in mortal danger. He was yelling and running and generally causing a disturbance throughout the neighborhood. One of his neighbors happened to be outside and was genuinely concerned for Barney and started toward him to help.

Someone must have been watching out for Barney that day, because somehow the fire put itself out without causing serious injury to either Barney or the house. The worst part of the ordeal was over. Barney's neighbor who had started over toward him to help reached the conclusion that Barney must have had some sort of emotional problem, or that he did not have the mental capacity that most of us are blessed with. He asked Barney if there was someone in his house who was taking care of him or if there was someone that he should call to inform them that Barney was on the loose. Barney somehow assured his neighbor that he was ok, that he did not need assistance, and that his mental capacity at least approached a level capable of moderate self sufficiency.

So Barney burned an oven mitt, burned his hand, and in all likelihood burned his hot dogs as well. But he escaped with his life and a new found respect for gourmet cooking.