The Stories

654 Cheeseburgers
and fries

Participants are Jerry, Brian, Luke and ghetto Bob.

So one night we decided to go bowling. This is irrelevant to the story except that it happened on the same night. Ghetto Bob, who is really good at stupid things that have no bearing on everyday life like bowling and John Madden football for Playstation and darts and other stupid things, had just beaten the crap out of all of us in bowling. Bob scored a 209 in comparison with my high of about 117. At one point Bob had like 5 strikes in a row.

Anyhow, after the bowling we went to McDonald's. This was not unusual because at this point in time (summer of 1995. I remember it distinctly as summer 1995 because that was the summer of the infamous shout-out book residing in the Guiney basement. I have since reread the entry for that night confirming its appropriate position in space-time) we went to McDonald's every day. This is not an exaggeration. Once i got my driver's license in July 1995 I went to McDonald's every day without fail. So we're at McDonald's and there is a long hold up on the line and no one really knows why.

Just then we see this guy carrying several of those large McDonald's shopping bags. You have to order a shitload of food to get a McDonald's shopping bag, let alone several. They're more than happy to send you on your way with three semi-large bags and the drink carton also. So he's got his several bags and he goes out the door. Amazingly, he's followed out the door by several (not one, but several) McDonald's employees, also with many bags each. Lots of severals are taking place here.

We were interested at this point what was taking place. We asked one of the cashiers what was going on that was important enough to halt the ever important progress of the line at this fine fast food establishment. She replied, "This guy here just ordered 654 cheeseburgers. And fries."

"What, 654 cheeseburgers? That's a lot of cheeseburgers."
"Yeah, apparently there's some kind of little league banquet and they decided to get McDonald's food."

This isn't exactly what she said. When was the last time you heard a McDonald's worker say 'apparently'? Never. But still, it was something like that. So imagine this for a minute. You're sitting around the board meeting of your little league and wondering what to do for the banquet and you decide to rent out a nice hall with enough room for 654 people and to have the event catered by McDonald's. Not only that, the extent of this meal will be one cheeseburger and small fries and that's it. That's not a meal if you ask me.

So the four of us were quite surprised and amused at this turn of events. We batted around jokes about 654 cheeseburgers and had some good laughs. Just then a guy who had been eating in the back came up to the line to get something else. I hate to impose this character in all the McDonald's stories, but this guy was pretty ghetto. Anyway, he noticed the hold up in the line too and inquired as to its cause.

"This guy here just ordered 654 cheeseburgers. And fries."
"654 cheeseburgers? For himself?
"I don't know man. That's a lot of cheeseburgers, though."
"True dat, yo."

And then the guy uttered the line that made this story possible.

"Damn, 654 cheeseburgers. Niggas gonna have diarrhea out the ass."

At this, the four of us burst into the kind of laughter that makes you think that everything is right with the world. For days, months, and even years later we have often recounted the events of that night. Ghetto Bob's miraculous 209, 654 cheeseburgers, and the revelation that, indeed, niggas would have diarrhea out the ass.